After watching “The Invention of Lying” the other day I thought I would put a resume together that required me to place my true and unfiltered thoughts on paper. I thought I would use my newly invented “Open Letter to my Prospective Boss” format.

Dear Prospective Boss:

• I am very good at what I do. This is not to be confused with what you may think I should be good at.
• I am a misfit. I do not fit the mold. You don’t like misfits. You think misfits are disruptive. But you needs misfits and I’ll prove it.
• I will care about certain things and not care about other things. It is unlikely you will have any influence over what those are.
• I will roll my eyes when I think you are wrong. I will roll my eyes when I think you are stupid. I will roll my eyes when you are way off base. I will roll my eyes a lot.
• I am very sarcastic. I will not hesitate to share my sarcasm in any situation. Nothing is sacred. Not even you.
• I am a good listener. That means I am good at knowing when I am being fed a line.
• I am very opinionated about things I care about (see first bullet point). Except when I am not.
• I am strategic minded, and though I am not politically minded I know the difference. Don’t bother trying to foist one off as the other. Though you can fret me, you cannot play me.
• I like to quote Shakespeare in my e-mails.
• You pay me to think. Sometimes thinking looks like inactivity. Don’t be alarmed and move along.
• I do not multitask. In fact nobody really multitasks. Spending your day rapidly jumping from topic to topic is not multitasking. That’s called being fractured. It’s inefficient and wasteful. I do not multitask.
• I don’t think I need recognition. But I am wrong. Recognition is good for everyone involved.
• I hate feedback poorly given. Good feedback is about improving my product. It’s not about how you would do it. I am not you.
• I am not detail oriented. My ability to remember things is not the same as detail oriented. It just means I am paying attention.
• I have my own methods. Yes, I am familiar with the main schools of thought. But I am my own school of thought. Shouldn’t we all have our schools of thought? We’re not robots, yet.

I think this should do it. All the rest of my skills are based on conjecture anyway, so not much need to go into them if you can’t handle the above truths. I guess you’ll just have to trust me on those.

Sincerely,

Joe