A Valediction Forbidding Self-Awareness

shorts3Waking in the Dark. I awoke and as usual grabbed a pair of black shorts in the dark. No one could see me fumbling around naked in the dark looking for the black shorts. I clumsily put them on and burst out into the light.

You see the dark is my friend. I can’t see it. It can’t see me. I can’t see me. No one can see me. I’m free.

Except when I leave the dark I apparently still can’t see very well, at least myself anyway. Or perhaps I selectively see and selectively don’t see. I presume others can see me, which I can’t really know for certain though and haven’t really bothered testing the theory.

I made some coffee, did some stretching, put some shoes on, sat down at my desk and did some work. Then it was time for a break. I stood up and saw something strange hanging from the sides of my shorts. Oh, it’s my pockets. The insides of my pockets. And what are those seams? Ah, I have my shorts on inside out. Very nice. How oblivious is that?

This would have all been very acceptable if I had remained in the dark. That I had put my black shorts on inside out in the dark was not disturbing. That seemed reasonable giving the dark environment. What was disturbing was that I had walked around in the light for an hour and not noticed.

This is not a sight issue at all. This is not a light or dark issue. This is something else. Something deeper.

Deep in my psyche where there lies a significant lack of physical self-awareness. An interesting hypothesis since I have previously diagnosed myself with a lack of personal spatial awareness, manifested by an ongoing pattern of bashing my head into anything and everything, and which I’ve always found strange since I have a pretty good feel for spatiality around me.

I suspect that lack of personal spatial awareness and physical self-awareness have the same root cause. I thought briefly the root cause might be a blissful ignorance of physicality, an indifference to physicality rooted in a focus on the spirit instead.  But there’s no way I’m that deep so there must be a better root cause based more on who I actually am.

Then I remembered I’m an Introvert.  Introverts as a rule don’t like to be the center of attention. It’s uncomfortable and to be avoided.

Is the root cause then a desire to not be noticed, even by one self? What would Freud do with that? What would you call that? Willful self-obliviation?

My, my. That opens up a whole new theme to explore about myself. That is if I am willing to be uncomfortable enough to notice myself for a little while. That might be asking a bit much, attempting a greater degree of self-awareness would be a leap of faith. Well, it’s important to continue to grow so it is worth the consideration.

About joegergen

To evoke a smile. That's all. Author of "Methane Wars: A Fable" and "Lear's Fool" as well as various poems and some these painting things as well.
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